What does it mean for me to be Pisces and the emotional roller coaster it is?

Whew…… this is a topic that people either are deeply into or they think you are nuts for believing or feeling that a Zodiac sign could control how you are as a person. The thing to keep in mind is that this is individualistic, just like all people are different in their own ways. With that said there are some very TRUE statements that come along with being a Pisces. Some apply to me and some don’t. Some I read and go “Holy SHIT….this is SO ME!” than other’s I may read and go “Ah yeah, not this girl.”.

First I would like to go over several of the characteristics of the Pisces sign, than I will go into how some of these apply to my daily life.

  • Can be antisocial as much as they are friendly
  • Look sweet and shy, but they have a wild side and ready for anything
  • Scary when they get angry and will snap with a fury
  • Loyal to those that have earned a spot in their heart and will go to the ends of the earth to help those they deem as theirs
  • If in a talkative mood, will switch very rapidly from subject to subject
  • Can be very seductive and captivating
  • Needs alone time for recharging, but does NOT want to feel alone
  • Over-thinkers
  • Daydreamers that can get lost in their own thoughts
  • Love is their language, and express this very vividly to those worthy of this
  • Fixers, they can almost not even control this and sometimes is a downfall because they get hurt in the process
  • Know what you need usually before you do, or you may never even know that you needed what they have to give. This takes a very heavy emotional toll on them but they will still keep going because they know (for whatever reason) that this is what is needed.
  • Can very easily be the only girl in the group of guys, too many girls can reek havoc on the Pisces senses and emotions
  • Able to encourage others to feel inspired and rise up
  • Able to walk into a room and read everyone like an open book, see’s body languages, tones of voice, and flickers of the eyes that others don’t
  • Tends to project their emotions on others to change the environment around them
  • When they fall in love, they fall hard….very hard
  • Extremely imaginative and can create a story out of nothing
  • Great at putting up a front that they don’t care, but inside are breaking
  • Can be a mirror that you are not ready to see

This can be a strange topic to cover and is obviously not one size fits all, but most Pisces will tell you that what I have listed is true. If not, something probably happened to change their perspectives. But the one thing I can promise you is the most prevalent feature of a Pisces is the ability to read emotions. I can personally walk up to someone and instantly know something is off or there is a need. It may take me a seconds to figure out exactly what is off, but I know and can physically feel the emotions like a tangled web just got thrown on me. Sticking to me emotionally until I am able to make it better or get away from it and pick up another one.

I want to reiterate this is not a topic I talk about freely with everyone, because than you get the incessant questions of “Oh! Are you magic?”, “How did you know that?”, “What am I thinking right now?”…. to that I say to everyone I am no way magical or psychic. I would say that I am more of an empath if you needed to label it with some term that made sense to you. I feel what you are feeling before you probably even know what it is. It isn’t something that I always enjoy and wish that I could honestly turn it fully off at times. I have managed on rare occasions to turn this off, but with this said it has a negative effect on me when I do.

One time I can very vividly remember that I wish I could have turned it off, was at a family members funeral. This family member meant so much to me and the entire community. I don’t think I have been to a funeral since that carried this much sorrow and emotion. I have always struggled with others emotions at a funeral, but this one…man…this one hurt on a cosmic level. I remember getting out of the car at this huge church and feeling a wave of emotions practically slap me in the face. One thing you should know about this, was that I was also pregnant with my first child, so all senses are already heightened.

Alright… so I get out of the car knowing this is going to be rough, already it feels like my body is vibrating with mine and others emotions. I make it into the church and sit down just watching everyone around me. I remember I was in the middle of this very long pew between my than husband and his Aunt. I remember feeling like my entire being just wanted to get out of there and run from the flood of emotions that seemed to me using me as a filtration system.

And than a someone started to sing, I don’t remember the song, I just remember the feelings and what happened next. I remember my vision narrow and it was like looking though a long cloudy tunnel, trying to breathe. This tunnel felt like the very link to everyone in this entire building emotions decided they needed to go somewhere. I was that somewhere….. I could hear people talking to me, but I couldn’t make out the words. I felt heavy like someone was pulling me, than I felt something cold on my neck. Apparently I had turned very pale and had a very blank stare on my face. My husband at the time was trying to get my attention, and the cold wet feeling was his Aunt putting a cold clothe on my neck.

*Side note: I am extremely sensitive to music and it causes it’s own level of emotions and side effects

At this point, I started to realize what was happening around me and the very concerned faces hovering around me. To this day they do not understand what happened and neither do I fully, but I do know that it all started with the emotions that I felt from everyone when that woman started to sing.

I have ran into similar situations but not to that scale since. I have learned a little more control and also try very hard to not allow myself into situations where I know there will be a crowd of highly emotional people that I am unable to get away from. The physical feeling that come with these emotions can be tingly, cold chills, a warmth floods over me, or some other strange sensation. It isn’t always the same.

Let’s jump points and move over to Love…scary as that word is. Ok so I am all about free love and have a lot to give. My love comes with conditions, by this I mean, if you are loved by me, you have been claimed. I know…..claimed…you can’t claim a person. You can emotionally claim someone, and it isn’t something I always plan to do. I actually intentionally try to not claim others, because I know what it does to and for me. I am also fully aware of my level of love is not what most is. If you are loved by me you basically own a part of my soul/being.

What does this mean for the loved/claimed person? This means that I will more than likely go to the ends of the earth to make sure they know they are loved, deserving, empowered, honored, and a part of my world. Even on the days they don’t think they need me I am there, and I know them emotionally and can feel what they need. Because they hold a delicate part of me, they can easily break me and pull me apart. I am emotionally tangled with them whether this is something they understand or not. I feel things at a level of probably 10x more than more….you might be asking how do you know this. I know from experience, all of what I say is based off my own experience and what I see in others. This can be a very big downfall of mine, and mostly I try to stay guarded but there are those that just break in. I know this isn’t something that is done intentionally by these people so I try to keep my emotions in check…..this DOES NOT always work and I break easily.

So I break easily emotionally but…… the other half of that is that I can easily manipulate my own emotions and direct my feelings in another direction. What does that mean you crazy lady???…. lol

That means, yes you hurt me very deeply, but I will quickly pick up and move on. I can too easily pick up the happy or fun emotions of another and if focused will move towards that. This allows me to move through the hurt by allowing in other emotions because I can only focus mentally on so many at a time.

This also makes me quick to forgive because honestly I do not have the emotional capacity to hold on to what you have inflicted on me.

Also to note this does not mean I am an emotional basket case all the time, because reading this kinda makes it sound that way. But what I need you to understand is not that you will see these emotions in me, instead I will quietly feel them and work through them. If you are in the deepest circle of those I have claimed you may sometimes see or feel what I feel, but generally I try to keep the overwhelming emotions to myself.

I hope that this gives you an idea into my daily life and how being a Pisces can effect someone.

Please comment or like below if you enjoyed this random topic of the day!

Finding the ability to be ones true self

I think this is something that most people think they are doing but when they look deep inside they are not really doing what makes them happy or they are hiding parts of themselves. This is a concept that I have struggled with my whole life and I am sure that most people do this at times.

For example in High School I will never forget when my Mom said “You are like a chameleon and can fit in with all crowds. You seem to conform to whatever group or person you are talking with.” At the time when she said this I thought this was a good thing, I can be friends with anyone and I don’t really have a “click”. But……let’s really think about that….the fact that I was morphing to meet others expectations. Did I really want to look that way?? Did I want to say those things?? Did I pretend to like things just to be sure someone liked me?? Yes…that is exactly what I did.

These are things that I think back on now and realize that I was not being ME, I was being everything that everyone wanted me to be or expected me to look a certain way. I remember all the many phases between middle school all the way to the year when I separated from my first husband. I seemed to be subconsciously doing this all the time, this left me never satisfied and lacking in so many things that made me “ME”.

In the past year I have strove for complete openness with all people, in the aspects of my life that could be shared or was appropriate to share. Why pretend?? What was gained from this?? Nothing really, no true and deep connection is made by hiding who you really are. When I started to date my current husband I had made the conscious decision to be open. I was tired of hiding and understood that I deserved to be ME. Mind you, I am still figuring out all the parts of me that were buried but for the ones I know whole heartily, those I put right out in front of him. I explained that I was very attracted to women but that did not change my connection or attraction to him. It was just a layer to who I am and how I wanted to live my life. I want open free love, and if this is not acceptable to him then we wouldn’t be able to date. Obviously he accepts me fully or we wouldn’t be married.

I am fully free to be me at all times, this comes with the pressure of assuring that I do not forget his or family needs. While I am free to do and be as I please, I always have in my mind that I do not abuse this freedom. So this requires absolutely truthful communication at all times, sometimes this is emotional but there is no bond that can break us. We talk through whatever random need I have at the time, and move past or through it.

What brings you pleasure?…. This is something I am still discovering and learning. What I thought made me happy and brought me pleasure, is now being questioned to be sure that it is not something that someone expects of me, but is actually what I want. This will probably be something that I will always do, but I also try to take it with a grain of salt. If at the end of the day if I am happy, and everyone’s needs are met, that is all that matters.

Work environment and being free to be me…..This is something that I am slowly realizing is ok within reason. I luckily work in an extremely inclusive and diverse cultured environment. Within reason, I am able to be me. I participated in the Pride Parade this year with 65 others from my office, it was an extremely liberating feeling. Not only was I open with my peers that I had never met before but with the whole mass of strangers that gathered for this massive parade. I walked with my head held high, waving as the crowds of people, waving a bi-sexual flag that was almost as tall as I am. Working in an inclusive and understanding environment is INVALUABLE for me. Reality is, not all places are this open and inclusive, but they should be. When their workers feel happy and loved, they are more productive.

How does this effect family life… I have not seen any negative effects as of yet to being openly me. My communication with my husband and family is amazing. If you came into my house and just observed, you would see all the normal family stuff…

  • Sitting around the table eating dinner with the kids
  • talking about the days we had
  • arguing over eating with the kids
  • dogs wanting food from the table or barking at random things
  • toys and things everywhere
  • but you would also see happiness, true to being you happiness for everyone

Just because I am open, does not mean I just walk around “flaunting” how uniquely me I am. This just means if I don’t like something I no longer worry what the others think if I don’t like it. If I have an opinion that is very much the opposite of what they may think, I still voice it. I welcome the chance to share my option to the scenario, they either like it or they don’t, both are equally ok. I have been heard, and that is all that is needed. My siblings are very aware of my stances on things now, this has only brought us closer and I have learned new things about them.

Friend dynamics changed…..some for the better and some ended, this is also ok with me. For my best friends we are now closer and they laugh (A LOT) at the what seems random thoughts that I just spurt out. I don’t have a huge group of close friends and I am perfectly happy with that. The few that I am fully and completely open with are my world. We can joke and laugh, because I am completely and utterly random and now ask all the very direct random thoughts that pop into my head. They either answer me or are free to tell me to shut up….lmao. They are also free to be themselves!

What is my comfort zone??…..the shorter answer is what isn’t in my comfort zone. With me feeling so open and able to be me, I am rarely taken into any situation that is outside my comfort zone. I adapt my situations to what makes me most comfortable.

An example of this: I am outspoken when comfortable to speak buttttt…put in a situation where I am in a crowd of people that I don’t know, I will turn into a little shy mouse. I will assess my environment, find a “safe” quiet spot where I am still apart of the group but not in the center. If some other quiet person joins, we will most likely start to talk, or I am ok sitting in silence. It is not something that all can do, sit contently in their thoughts just assessing the situation and making their own decisions. Not just following along with what everyone is doing because that is what is expected.

It is my hope that everyone that reads this finds who they want to me and is able to be in an environment that supports them. If you aren’t in this environment, is it time to assess your life and priorities? Are you happy? Are you able to do what you feel fits you best?

Please comment below, I would love to hear your thoughts!

WTF is Wanderlusted???

So we already covered that I’m a Mom, well this Mom thinks about getting into her car and driving to a far off land to discover new things…well… all the time. My friend says I go onto cultural adventures, this happens when I start to wonder and ask questions about other places. With that being said, it’s not that I want to necessarily leave my family. It is just all about the wandering and finding new adventures. I could hear a sound, smell food, or see a picture and just instantly my mind wants to go there and experience it. I fully understand that it is pretty normal for someone to want adventure in their life or to experience new things.

It is kinda hard to explain because this is a feeling that seems to be in my soul versus my mind but I will try to paint a picture for you….

So lets say that I see a picture of someone walking through the market of a city that has all the colors you can imagine The colors are so vivid that it is almost emotion invoking but this picture takes me on a mental adventure through this exotic market.

There are flowers from all ends of the spectrum which causes the warm full hearted feeling of the sun opening their buds just for me to see, smell, and touch the soft petals. I buy a bundle and add one single flower to my hair so that everyone can see my love for them. I keep bringing the flowers to my face to allow my senses to fully take in the beauty they possess. I even share a flower with a couple I see lovingly walking holding hands.

I look to my right and there is an elder lady selling fine silks and when I run my fingers over the silk, I can feel the love that went into making it. Then imagine the feel of this silk against my skin and maybe wearing a silk dress on the beach with a warm breeze. I imagine just standing there alone with the sun on my face and just being in the moment and feeling the pull of the earth.

Then I notice the gentleman selling street food, but I have no idea what it is and nor do I care. So I stop to watch him make this right in-front of me. He doesn’t pay attention to me at all being mesmerized by his skills, he just keeps working until his masterpiece is finished. When he is done he offers it to me to taste and at the first warm bite I am taken on a journey of spices and sweet smells. I close my eyes to completely focus all my senses on just being in the moment with this new taste and smell.

Then I hear this music coming from behind me, there is a group of people playing various instruments but the sound touches me down deep. The beat of the drums, the pull of the voice singing in a language that I don’t understand and the uncontrollable need to go to this sound. The singer closes their eyes and completely immerses themselves in the story they are telling through their song. I can feel the tones of the music throughout my whole body, and at certain times feel a chill that goes over my body. I stand there and just absorb the tones and let it take my body on this sensual and mind opening experience.

But…then when I come back to reality and I am still standing there looking at the picture of this far away land, which then almost hurts because I want so badly to truly feel and experience these places that my imagination likes to take me. I understand that I abruptly stopped the vividly described picture that I was painting for you, but that was intentional. This is what I experience any time I see a far away land or just about anything that peaks my interest honestly. I am absolutely someone who has to take complete control of their impulses because if I just let myself go, there is no telling where I would end up on a daily basis. This happens with more than just pictures, I don’t have to see it to feel this way. My imagination is vastly detailed (which can be very bad is gory or sad situations) and this can happen at any point for me, it could be a joke, song, word, or just a sound. My imagination instantly creates a whole movie in my head to go with it.

Well hopefully this gives you some insights as to what wanderlust means for me and how it pulls me through my life.

Please comment below if you can relate, enjoyed the description or want to hear more stories about how my imagination can take on a life of its own….

Let’s back that ass up a bit…

So lets back it up and give you some background on me….. (disclaimer: this may be a long one!)

Long long ago this girl was born into a very Yankee family…bahahahaa!! That is not how this is going to go, where I sound like I am telling you this pretty fairy tail of my life because lets be real for a minute it was NOT a fairy tale, as most peoples lives aren’t. I come from a divorced family, while both parents were very loving and I love them in their own ways, there was some shit that went down that no one should have to deal with as a small child or even as an adult.

I want to talk about things that happened in my childhood until now, and today’s post is going to be like a high level view of this. Then I want to get down and dirty with some of these events because: one I think it should be said and two I am very sure that there are others out there that have gone through these tough times. If I can empower just one person with my posts, then my reason for doing this is complete.

I do want to warn everyone that there are going to be some posts that are going to be hard for you to read and even harder for me to put into words, but alas I am determined to get it out there.

So where to start…childhood/family dynamic…

I have several siblings, some step, some half and some whole. But in my mind, blood or not, we are all one big messy and crazy family. So my Mom is my Dad’s second wife, and my Dad had two daughters before my Brother and I. (yup… absorb that for a second, sounds like some sister brother uncle kinda shit but no she was just his second wife)

Then you have my Mom who married my Step-Dad, this brought in two Sisters. We are a wily bunch of craziness, which makes holidays lots of fun. My parents divorce was messy and there was lots of fighting and things being thrown at times. This is the mundane boring stuff which I am not positive is normal, but I digress….

This is where I am going to get a little dark but to understand me I feel you need to understand some things that happened when I was younger….

So at a very young age, I believe maybe 5 or 6, I was sexually molested by my older sister. Now before you get all crazy, I absolutely understand this is a horrible topic but I feel this may have set the standard for part of my demeanor, for the rest of my life. This is not something that anyone in my family talks about, and we didn’t really talk about it when it happened. I can remember the day my sister told my parents what had been happening…..

I was sitting on the stairs, just low enough down the stairs that I could see around the wall and peak between the railings to see the scene of my sister (maybe 8 or 9) talking to my parents. I can remember the dark decor that looked like it was from the 70’s and seeing my sister sit between my parents and crying. While I couldn’t hear everything that was said, I knew what she was doing. She had finally come to the realization that what she had been doing was wrong, and that her babysitter had doing the same to her. I remember my parents look of shock, shame, and then sadness. They were sad for us both, that we had been through this. Sad that neither of us said anything but in our defense we didn’t really know that it was wrong. Now looking back I can see how it was wrong, but unless someone tells you “Hey, if this happens tell me because it is wrong”. Well…. unless that is said you just don’t know at those ages.

Now my sister (from the above situation) and I are pretty close now. We didn’t live together because she lived with her Mom in another state but we have moved past this as we know we were too young to know better. But my reasoning for telling this is that I am a VERY sexual person, almost like my life revolves around my sexual (or what I may view as sexual) encounters. I can turn anything into something kinky and perverted, and honestly I have absolutely no qualms with this. I am indeed very flirtatious because I love the attention and the thrill. Does that mean it’s healthy? I don’t know I’m not a doctor…lol

Let’s now jump forward in time….

I knew from a very young age that I am VERY attracted to women but also love men. I have different things that I like about each, so that is why I guess you would classify me as Bi-Sexual (because we seem to have a label for everything now days). Do I think that what happened when I was younger caused me to like girls? Honestly that would just be speculation and I don’t really care either way. It doesn’t change anything to try to dissect that monster of a mental mess. But I love women and my husband is fully aware and accepts all of me. So for me this means I can date women, and bring her into our relationship if WE choose to do so. (For those that don’t know, this is called a Polyamorous relationship). We will get more into that later as well, I promise!

But before you can get into my current marriage, first you must hear a little about my first one…

So it started in High School, 11th grade to be exact, and ended 15 years later. I thought that we were High School sweethearts but when I look back we were just toxic for each other. Mostly he was toxic for me, and I was unable to truly be me. It was a very long relationship with a few ups, like my older child, and many many topsy-turvy downs….way way downs. This probably needs to be broken into many many posts unless I find a way to sum it up.

In these years there was a marriage, many jobs, a child, and a college degree in Art.

Then you get to my eminent divorce…than to my now husband/marriage…

We have only been married a short 4 years but he is my other half, and yes I will probably get sappy when I really get into this story. The story is sweet, spicy, and everything it should be. We have a child together now, and so that makes us a family of four. I want to make a post just about us, because we have a very different kind of relationship, that is very special (at least I think so!)

I hope this gives you a little background on me, and I promise to get to the wanderlust. Please comment below if you can relate or just like what you are reading. Or if I said something you want more details about…could be my next post maybe…

Intro to the Randomness

So the idea of this came from a conversation with my friend, we talk about pretty much anything that comes into our heads. We constantly laugh at how we are able to freely move from one topic to another, seamlessly. Some of the topics that we discuss I feel should be shared with the public so here we go…

I ask that you bear with me as I build this blog and try to make some sense out of my random thoughts. I have so many thoughts and so many ideas, half of which never happen but seem pretty cool at the time

Why do this?

  • share my wanderlust with the world
  • maybe inspire others to be their true selves and share it with the world
  • funny excerpts from my dreams or life
  • maybe some purely fictional stories that I think of
  • rants about being a parent/wife/worker

Only time will tell to see what pure awesomeness I decide to share with the world…

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